


rookie crushes

by okayantigone



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Huntr Exam Arc, M/M, Murder, Written on a Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 11:38:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17980607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okayantigone/pseuds/okayantigone
Summary: imagine: you have to pretend to be someone's boyfriend, and be so, so, so terrible at it, that no matter who else they introduce to their family after you, it will be an improvement.rooky crusher tonpa has got the biggest test for his acting ability yet - to make hisoka morow look like an improvement after him. how exactly did he walk into that one again?





	rookie crushes

**Author's Note:**

> i am not sorry about this, and in fact, if ppl are interested, may continue sporadically updating. 
> 
> also, if you can guess what the fourth floor is referencing, i'll throw in a 500 word drabble for a pair of ur choosing...

 

tonpa knows he probably won’t pass this stage. in fact, his plan, should he be confronted by someone who has his badge number, is to give it up without a fight then fucking _book it_ through the trees. especially if that someone is hisoka. or one of those four terrifying newbies. the white haired one – he shudders. 

still, in order to fail the exam alive, he still has to survive the weep on zevil island, not get killed and hey – maybe this time he can actually pass, if he, by some miracle, gets enough points. but he’s not going out of his way to fight, no sir. not unless he can talk a few more rookies out of never leaving their houses, let alone applying for the exam, again.

all in all though, the situation is not terrible. he will just set up camp and avoid getting killed. it seems fairly simple.

which is precisely how he jinxes himself, like the absolute buffoon, honest to god clown that he is, by walking himself all neat and headfirst into gittarackur’s encampment.

in his defense, he had ben distracted by making sure he wasn’t followed. in his defense –

gittarackur still hasn’t noticed him. so he should just back away, very slowly. that will be good. or – or, he can watch. observe. see what the hell is up with the weird puppet man. maybe he _can_ be crushed. tonpa values his reputation as a psychological sadist far too much to let this one go. he backs away quickly, and climbs up one of the trees. gittarackus is leaning back against one of the thick cedars surrounding the clearing. it’s a nice place to camp out – there’s a stream of water, and the trees can provide easy cover. 

gittarackur is preoccupied with his kill. because that is not really a fight, it’s slaughter. the difference in skill is obvious even if tonpa didn’t have his experience. gittarackur walks slowly after the bleeding man as he attempts to drag himself to the stream. his movements are as shaky as they’ve ever been, like a video game character in a constant glitch. 

then with one swift movement, gittarackur bends down and snaps his victim’s neck. 

he’s covered in blood. it’s splattered on his face, either because the fight got out of hand, or – judging by the lack of damage to the area, because he simply enjoyed playing with his food too much. tonpa watches him reach towards his belt. from the distance, he can’t tell the make and model of the radio, but gittarackur’s voice is soft and clear when he says,  
  
“i don’t enjoy finishing off your leftovers, hisoka.” 

there’s static on the other end, then laughter. “i thought you’d enjoy my gift.”  
  
“i didn’t.”  
  
more laughter. “i’m sorry then.” 

gittarackur can’t really move his face, bus his entire body very clearly broadcasts exasperation. tonpa isn’t really surprised to discover that the two of them are working together. hisoka is a weirdo. gittarackur is a weirdo. it makes sense.

and apparently they both enjoy murder.

 “will i see you soon?” hisoka asks.  
  
“maybe.” gittarackur says. 

he picks up the corpse effortlessly and tosses it into the underbush. he doesn’t even pick up the badge. this amount of confidence is insulting.

then, with stilted motions, gittarackur reaches up to his distorted face, and pulls a pin out. then another. then another.

in front of his very eyes, tonpa watches the weird monstrous puppet transform into one of the prettiest men – or women? – he’s ever seen. how does the fairytale go? alabaster skin, ebony hair? he’s gorgeous. why hide it under that disgusting mask of a persona. 

he walks to the stream slowly, stiffly, like something hurts, and lowers himself to painful knees. the transformation must not be easy, then. tonpa watches him wash the blood off himself with careful deft movements. aw. someone’s fussy.

 he absolutely does not _squeak_ when the needle nearly takes him out, embedding itself deep into the tree bark right by his ear.  
  
“you can come out now,” the young man says. his voice is melodious and hypnotic. tonpa hops down from his branch, landing gracelessly.  
  
“listen, gittarackur,” he says, scratching the back of his head. “i didn’t see anything. i can just go. you can take my badge.”

 gittarackur’s eyes are so big and empty, and their heavy lids give him a disinterested, tired look. he tilts his head to the side, “now, why would you want to do that? you want to pass this exam, as much as i do… don’t you?”  
  
“well…”  
  
“or you don’t, and there’s another reason you’re here…” gittarackur has tuned him out, more thinking out loud than anything. “rooky crusher – that’s what you call yourself, isn’t it? were you hoping for a chance to crush me.”  
  
“um…” yeah, there’s no two ways about it. might as well die with dignity. or something. “a little?”

“hisoka warned me about you.” 

right. the magician was at last year’s exam too. of course he’d warn his… partner. 

“but right now, i am quite cross with him,” gittarackur continues. his obliviousness is either a perfect act, or tonpa has just met the world’s most murderous airhead. 

“so i think you and i can help each other,” he finishes. “me? i’m hoping to aggravate hisoka. and you – well. i suppose you can pick up that guy’s badge, and i have another one on me that i don’t need.”  
  
“did you already, um – “  
  
gittarackur slants a look at him, those cool dark eyes containing a thousand admonitions for asking stupid questions. “yes.”

“how uh – that is. how can i help you?” 

because after what he’s just seen – forget crushing gittarackur, tonpa’s not sure he has anything of value to contribute.

“it occurs to me,” gittarackur says, in that same unaffected manner of his, “that you are simply the worst sort of person. really and truly. just… despicable. you are the sort of person i usually get contracted to kill, you know. well-liked people don’t get assassination contracts. but you also like games.”

 tonpa isn’t sure he’s meant to respond. he elects not to.

 “i am in a precarious position right now, you see,” gittarackur says. “but i think you – despicable, unbearable, deplorable you – may just be the solution i need. you see, i have been paying attention. and horrid as you are, there _is_ one thing you excel at – pretending.”

 tonpa isn’t sure he enjoys the thorough dressing down of his character. is this how the rookies feel when he talks down to them.

 “all i need from you is, after this exam – irregardless of wether you pass or not – that you engage in a brief period of … pretending with me. there’s a certain impression i need to create in people, that you and i are… involved.”

“involved… romantically?” 

gittarackur raises one slender brow. “right, sorry. stupid question, of course, romantically. carry on.”  
  
“compared to you, any other individual i choose to entangle myself with will be considered an improvement,” gittarckur finishes. again, _ouch._

 “and at the end of the ruse we have perpetuated, you may walk away with a tidy little sum. and of course – “  
  
tonpa mimics zipping his mouth shut. this may just be one of the _weirdest_ jobs he’s ever been asked to do. and that includes working as a “psychiatric driving specialist” in the so called “Fourth Floor” division of a Pharmaceutics Agency. 

gittarackur nods, satisfied. 

“so am i only doing this to piss off hisoka, or… you mentioned your family?”  
  
“i will require you to travel with me, and be introduced to my family as my… paramour.”

“how far are we travelling?” if he can squeeze a vacation out of this…

“you don’t have to worry about the arrangements. i will take care of them.”

“oh, great.” 

“if you meant the location… kukoroo mountain, in the padokean empire.”

 if tonpa had been taking a drink in this moment, he’d have spat it out.

“are you joking?”  
  
“do i look like i’m joking?”  
  
“so you’re one of the – “ he can’t even wrap his head around it. nope. maybe it’s time to hang his hat, and give up on rooky crushing. maybe he should focus on passing this year, and doing something worthwhile that doesn’t involve – 

“is that a problem?”  
  
self-preservation has never been one of his strongest suits. _and_ he enjoys games. he’s a little sour that this whole thing will be done as a favor to hisoka – since he can pretty much guess who gittarackur plans on introducing to the family after him, as his supposed improvement, but … well.

 “no. let’s do it.” gittarackur regards him for a while, then nods to himself, and picks up the radio again. “hisoka. for the time being you and i are over.”  
  
“you know i like it when you’re col- “ hisoka doesn’t even get the sentence out, before gittarackur destroys the radio. just crushes it, in that pretty pale hand of his. 

“next order of business,” gittarackur says, in a tone of voice that suggests this really is business to him, “is ensuring that my little brother catches us in a … _compromising_ position.”  
  
“wait there’s two of you in the exam?”

he really _should_ retire. 

“yes. killua’s … a character,” gittarackur says, in the voice of an older sibling who’s done their best to be a good example and failed. although it does explain killua’s attitude. damn.

“wait, wait – catch us… in a position?” does he get to _touch_ this man? to really, honest to god put his hands on him? thank god he ate a few breath mints on the airship.  
  
he’s levelled another unimpressed look. “unless you have any objections?”  
  
“i – no. uh. absolutely none. you’re um… you’re very visually appealing…”

“you talk too much.”  
  
tonpa’s jaw clicks shut. right. no, he’s definitely never taking the hunter exam again after this.

 


End file.
